Our beloved American Vandal was unceremoniously canceled by Netflix last week. Much like a high schooler leaving the nest (for at least 4 years before returning to the nest in a fog of unemployment), American Vandal is hopefully headed towards bigger, better things. At the moment, the Peabody Award-winning mockumentary series awaits its college acceptance letter. Hopefully, Hulu—or one of the 8-dozen streaming services out there asking for $8.99/month—will consider picking it up. If they do, we have some great suggestions. Here, we propose a few possible pranks for our friends Peter and Sam to pull if American Vandal makes its way to college in a highly demanded third season. And if you need an extra staff writer to flesh these out, call us.
Two Seats, One Creepy Professor
A hip-for-60 professor’s bike gets stolen outside a lecture hall. And not just any bike—a two-seater bike he uses to drop his girlfriend off at class with rainbow flags attached to show he’s such an ally. The twist? His girlfriend isn’t a professor—she’s a 31-year-old grad student. All the students present at the lecture plead innocence. They have an alibi, after all. They were watching the lecture while commenting on dog pictures on Facebook. They couldn’t have stolen a bike when timestamps say otherwise! Peter and Sam must find out who has a vendetta against this particular professor. Does it have to do with the uncomfortably large age gap between he and his student girlfriend? Or does it have to do with his even younger undergrad girlfriend who says she’s poly so it’s all good? There must be a reason because no one else would actually want to ride such an obnoxious bike.
Pussy Grabs Toilet Paper Back?
Peter and Sam investigate a mysterious mathematical event: someone is stealing toilet paper out of the men’s bathrooms in the math building. With how few women are in STEM, it’s surprising there’s even a gender distinction in the building. The boys suspect the culprit is feminism—but who? There are only two female math majors, so they have their work cut out for them. The investigative filmmakers immediately track down the two women in the department, both of whom fervently deny stealing any toilet paper. Could a progressive resistance in the cleaning staff be to blame? Or is a Men’s Rights Activist group on campus hoping to frame feminism?
Greek Likes Tragedy
A funny thing is happening during sorority pledge week: Chi Alpha, previously the least popular of the sororities, is suddenly attracting the hottest girls. Their Instagram is particularly suspicious. Once filled with single-digit likes from other women, the comments now frequently include phrases like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘Come to Dubai!’ as their follower count surges. No one is pledging Omega Phi or Zeta Delta anymore, and the presidents of those sororities are furious. They’re also losing followers at an alarming rate no matter how many group photos they post in matching outfits and, without an Instagram presence, they may lose funding from the university. Did they get blow-outs for nothing? The two organizations team up to enlist Peter and Sam to do a full investigation into Chi Alpha’s practices to find out if there’s any foul play involved in their attempts to recruit new members. Were all the votes counted evenly when the girls said which sororities they wish to pledge? Or is this a classic case of voter interference? To find out, Peter and Sam have to talk to every blonde freshman girl, which they hate.
Period stains have appeared up and down the sidewalk connecting the chemistry building to the one all-girls dormitory. Obviously, the residents of the dorm are the first suspects—it’s well-known that women who live together get their periods at the same time and constantly. But then one of the women (you have to call teenage girls who all live together ‘women’ or you get stoned) suggests something: maybe it’s not period blood at all. Maybe it’s something from the chemistry building. Sam and Peter must find out. Will they have to taste the blood to know? And is it even a problem if there are period stains on the sidewalk, or is this just another classic case of men being disgusted by women’s bodies?
V for Vendetta…and Vandal
Someone has egged the houses of the Netflix executives who canceled American Vandal’ Peter and Sam investigate, but could it be…they are the culprits themselves?
Here’s hoping a network swoops in to save the day. Reports suggest it’s being shopped around to various platforms, so we will keep our fingers crossed we see Peter and Sam solve a mystery of collegiate proportions. But seriously, people: Who drew the dicks?