• Community recap: Greed consumes Dean Pelton and Annie sells out Greendale

    Tonight is the episode in which we understand last week’s Welcome, Archie banner with name-brand glitter. (Annie held it up while the gang was working on the sign for the MacGuffin foundation). Crack job reordering those episodes, NBC. (Unless they planted it there last week so we’d be like, “Huh?” and then we’d see this episode and go, “Ohhhh,” and it would be like a reverse inside joke (or something.). In which case, crack job understanding Community’s sense of humor, Carla! But really, I think it’s the first thing.)

    So Archie’s this burnout kid the dean is desperate to recruit because he’s a rich dumb-dumb. Naturally it’s left to the gang to convince Archie the whale that he wants to beach himself at Greendale. (Reaching.) The incentives? Money for a body farm and a new fetal pig, natch. But wrench, because their other whale, nay, albatross, Pierce, can’t know about Archie (he’s a jealous old coot), so they’re going to have to woo new whale on a day when old whale isn’t on campus, and that means Jeff gets a whole day without Pierce bugging him to hang out and…I don’t know. This is also reaching. Let’s give them a break: It’s been quite the week.

    School board guys in the hizzy. Oh, these guys. They’re here to rain on the dean’s parade: Archie is never going to choose Greendale from a library tour and performance by Magnitude. (And why not exactly? I chose my college because it was in a city and I didn’t spontaneously have a panic attack when I toured the campus, which is a thing that happened a lot back then. I was a nervous kid. So there are worse reasons, is what I’m saying.) Archie needs hookers. And blow. And hookers. And the Delta Cubes. (Oops, Abed short-circuits. He’s a pledge.) (Also, the alcoholic school-board buffoons are a TV and movie trope, but I’ve never met anyone like them. They seem fun. How do I meet guys like this? And does the fact that I just asked that explain why I’m single? Ruminating.)

    Over in the gymnasium, Shirley and Troy are taking their PE credits. Oh wait, no, they’re taking their PEE credits. Pedagogy! This rules. Former fat-kid loser will excel here; jock Troy will flail. Let’s watch.

    Welcome, Archie! Oops, there’s Pierce. (Of course—Pierce has no life. The fact that he has no classes today does not mean he won’t be on campus. The gang should have predicted that. But oh, right—narrative imperative or whatever. IGNORING!) Now Winger has to spend the day with Pierce for distraction. Bye, guys! Archie’s got a Vespa, which means I want to have sex with him. (What? I didn’t say anything.) He’s gonna be a harder sell than the dean thought. Halfpipes and Hashpipes 101 it is. (I’d take that.)

    Britta’s the only one with any sense, and she doesn’t want to slip up and let the silly stoner set foot on their slippery slopey soil. Or something. I don’t know. She’s the voice of wisdom (and kind of has been all season), but everybody’s deaf: The dean and a drug-seeking Annie (just for Archie, but seriously, Annie, BE CAREFUL—you’ve been to rehab!) only see dollar signs. They’re eager to sell out for the love of Archie. I’m disappointed in them.

    Meanwhile, Troy’s having a hard time with his balls. But Shirley—Shirley!—she’s an expert ball handler. (Hi, Fat Neill!) Oh no, Troy is picked last. Poor Troy. He finally knows what it’s like to be a loser.

    Meanwhile, over at the barbershop, Winger’s doing time with Pierce. Meanwhile, back at Greendale (sorry, things got really meanwhiley for a while.), Archie’s a brat. He wants the bling of a very familiar-looking guy I can’t place. And Abed’s dealing with rushees. (Is that what they’re call? Those who rush? I always just called them dickheads, so I’m not sure of the correct terminology.) Codeine! Archie’s kicks are wet. Britta out. YOU GO, GIRL.

    Uh-oh, Jeff’s getting dangerously relaxed during his gentleman’s shave. My guess is that shaving cream is to Winger as alcohol is to Carla—that is, both substances make their recipients mighty chatty. I fear for Jeff—he’s going to out himself—but let’s wait and see.

    Mockeroom! (Hi, Vicki! Hi, Garrett!) D-bag party! Uch. The dean has imported strippers and a terrible DJ and a vat of foam and so so much terribleness all for the love of Archie. And Annie, usually a woman of clarity and a strong moral code, is going right along with him. (Side note: When I went to Cancun for spring break my sophomore year, they had nightly foam parties in our hotel. This is an actual thing. Can you think of anything rapier than a room filled with foam in Cancun during spring break? Then again, my friend and I were the only two girls at the hotel in one-piece bathing suits, so perhaps Cancun was not for us. #nerds)

    Over at the barbershop Pierce is proud of Jeff. They’re getting all sorts of gay-married. Aww, buddies.

    Oh, now we’re back in the mockeroom. We’re jumping around too much!

    Back to the barbershop! (Dizzy.) Turns out it’s Annie who spills the whale beans (heeheehee, whale beans) with her dumb, predictable texting, but Pierce is still mad at Jeff: They were buds. His feelings are hurt.

    It’s official: Archie wants to be a Human Being. Pop pop! Wait, Archie wants pop pop. And the dean gives it to him. This is awful. I hate Archie. And now Annie does, too. (YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO BRITTA, ANNIE!)

    Regret all around: Annie for selling out her beloved school for a douchey kid and Jeff for being cruel to Pierce for the 435th time. (Does Jeff not hear his own Wingerlogues when he’s giving them? Be kinder, Jeffrey! And take off that terrible leather jacket! It’s for a lady!)

    Oh, poor Magnitude. He’s lost without his catchphrase. Sneep indeed, Magnitude. Sneep indeed. Poor thing.

    Poor Troy, too. Except not really. He’s been on top his whole life. It’s hard to muster much sympathy for him, even though he is a love. Ugh, Kevin. Go away. Oh, no wait, come back—Shirley’s going to teach Troy how to teach you. Okay, this is funny. I don’t mind Chang when he’s not talking.

    Back in the caf, the dean has grown back his lady balls and it’s out with Archie! Yeah! Somebody write that on a sign with brand-name glitter! Greendale is a place of Magnitude, not Douchetude (not my best work, you guys), so it’s time for the whale to swim away. Archie likes being treated like a normal guy, turns out (something that I think only happens on TV), so hey, he’s in. Welcome to Greendale, Archie. Pop pop for real!

    Operation Slack Attack! Heeheehee. All is right in the world.

    Tonight was fun! It was just about time for some zany low-stakes Greendale high- jinksyness, don’t you think? I enjoyed it. Until next week, friends. For now I’m off to go enjoy some delicious Let’s® potato chips. (Get your damn hands off them!) Check out the full episode below.

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    Carla Sosenko

    Carla Sosenko is a writer and editor from Brooklyn, N.Y. Her work has appeared in Marie Claire, Self, Jezebel, The Hairpin, The NY International Fringe Festival and some other places. She received her MFA in creative writing from Emerson College, where she majored in choppy sentences. Carla thanks you for reading her words and kindly asks you to read more of them at carlasosenko.com. Follow her @carlasosenko. She thinks you rule.

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