You see, with Jon Stewart’s recent announcement of leaving Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, I thought I was a clear front-runner for the role – and so did America, I have to assume.
Especially as I further developed my passion for writing, my mom would often tell me things like, “You’re so funny!” My friends would sometimes ask me if I’d heard something Jon Stewart said in a recent episode, as if they knew something I didn’t. I would even email with Daily Show producers regularly and they would ignore me, playing hard to get in order to make my celebration that much sweeter. That was really thoughtful of them. “Well played, guys!” I thought to myself.
Yes, I had a clear look at the finish line and nothing, not even realizing that Friends was on Netflix, was going to stop me.
My credentials were flawless. One time I made my 5th grade teacher laugh so hard that I considered dropping out of school and joining Comedy Central right then and there – but I thought better of it. I told myself that my time would come. Do I have endorsements? Aaron Carter retweets me on the reg. And my work ethic? Unmatched. As a child I ALWAYS saved the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms for last. So please don’t question my dedication. Oh, you’re looking for someone who is passionate about current events? I literally cried when I found out Taco Bell was serving breakfast. Did I mention I’m Jewish? I love Seinfeld.
So, with all due respect, everyone at Comedy Central, what the fuck?! It’s like you don’t even know that I sat at the cool kids table in high school. Do your research.
I admit, at first I thought it was a clever joke. I laughed. Besides experience, good looks, and raw talent, what does this Trevor Noah guy have that I don’t? Is it because he’s a minority? I mean, who cares that he’s left-handed. That news desk should be mine.
The worst part is, I didn’t only let myself down, I let down everyone else.
The world, and possibly the entire universe as far as we know, rallied behind me in an effort to get my face on camera. Is it a coincidence that I found a coupon for a shamrock shake (my favorite) on the ground this morning? Was it simply an accident that Maroon 5 named their hit song “Sugar” after something I eat every day? I highly doubt it. Clearly, these were elaborate attempts to show support from people who are too intimidated by my success to speak to me face-to-face.
I’m now at a loss for words. Except for the opposite of that because I’m furious.
What am I supposed to tell my handful of loyal Twitter followers? They wake up each morning praying that I can make them laugh, even if just for a moment so that they can escape the hardships of the world. What do you expect me to tell my girlfriend once I get one? So embarrassing. What about my future kids? Am I just going to tell them that you might not get what you want in life even if you’re perfect? I just don’t know if I can do that.
I can’t blame others, though. It’s my fault, in the end. I understand the immense pressure that surely came along with the choice and I’m sure this tough decision came down to the best three candidates: me, Trevor Noah, and Beyoncé and I don’t blame the network for going with the underdog. From the oil that lasted for eight days to people who chew with their mouth open and still have friends, everyone loves a good underdog story – and I hope you’re happy with this one, America.
I guess there’s nothing else to say except for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to my grandparents who think I’m so cool. I’m sorry to my fans whose lives are now definitely ruined. I’m sorry for myself because of all the money I spent putting my face on posters of Jon Stewart, and most of all, I’m sorry to Trevor Noah. @TrevorNoah I am sorry that Comedy Central set you up for failure. I’m sorry that no matter how funny or how powerful your show is, people will always wonder what could have been with me hosting. However, during this time of utter chaos, I ask that the public be respectful. My time will come and one day the world will be less cruel.
*I reached out to Trevor for a comment, but his computer and phone must be dead and he must have lost his chargers.