• Let’s hope Samuel L. Jackson will be reciting an absurd monologue written by Eugene Mirman (Update)

    As a way to raise awareness and funds for non-profit organization, the Alzheimer’s Society, Samuel L. Jackson has asked Reddit users to submit 300-word monologues, one of which he will recite on video for all to witness. And thankfully, comedian Eugene Mirman has taken the veteran actor up on his offer. The monologue writer with the most up votes by midnight (PST) will win the prize. And with 86,269 up votes as of this writing, Mirman is on top so far let’s hope Mirman comes up on top. Though there are many entries voted higher at this point, Jackson just announced that if the fundraising reaches $100,000 (you can donate here), he’ll choose a second random monologue to read at random. This “random” one should be one by “Eugene Mirman.” If you haven’t voted yet, go here to do so. Or you can read Mirman’s entire monologue below.

    God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her pussy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my pussy with cream cheese! I fucking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even fucking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-shit. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.

    I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her pussy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?

    I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he shit himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherfucker.

    It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I fucking love you.

    Not only can you enter to win the monologue competition, but Jackson is also offering another incentive to help the cause. Anyone who donates to the charity will be entered in a drawing to be flown to the UK and attend the Shooting Stars Benefit 2013 in support of the charity. The winner, and possibly a friend, will spend the weekend at the Grove, a five-star hotel, spa and golf resort, where Jackson be hosting a celebrity golf tournament. To make the weekend even better, the winner will also have some quality time with Jackson at a one-on-one lunch.

    If that isn’t enough, by donating $200 dollars or more, you can receive a signed Kangol hat and have it mailed to your house! You can check out all the info here.

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    Jodi Guglielmi

    Jodi Guglielmi is an aspiring comedy and magazine writer finishing up her undergraduate degree in Journalism. She plans on moving to New York after graduation to work and live happily in her one bedroom apartment with six other people.

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