We’re so sorry to remind you, but it’s New Year’s Resolution time! Yep, it’s that terrible time of year when one must consider the sad Venn diagram of who they are and who they want to be and then bring those circles a little closer together. It’s empowering, depressing, and scary. So for inspiration, we asked some of the world’s funniest people to divulge their 2019 New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s what our favorite comedians had to say:
(Writer for The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, host of Dr. Gameshow podcast)
My resolution is to exercise so hard I get a black eye from one of my breasts hitting me in the face. I’d also love to read some Dostoyevsky.
(Correspondent for The Daily Show, one-hour Comedy Central Special No One Loves You premieres Jan. 25.)
New Year’s resolutions are for people who still believe in giving up on themselves in March. I made the decision to give up on myself years ago and have been free of this madness ever since.
(Host of NPR’s Ask Me Another)
1. Ask myself “Why the hell did I agree to this?” only five times this year.
NOTE: This was also my resolution last year, and I only made ‘til February 3. It’s a variation on the whole concept of learning to say no to things to make space for other things, but I prefer a resolution where you can really give yourself a hard time.
2. Go to the gym two times this year. Do arms in January, legs in December. Save abs for 2020.
3. Remember: first you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you to shop online. Best to keep drinking (except during end of season sales).
(Conan, Late Night with Seth Meyers, senior writer for Desus and Mero)
My resolution is to stop congratulating myself every time I eat salad.
(Last Comic Standing, Comedy Central, Netflix)
It used to be that when asked, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” I would say something like, “Why wait until New Year’s to make a positive change? Why not strive to better oneself in all ways possible all year round?” But now when asked, I’ll say, “My New Year’s resolution is to better myself in all ways possible all year round.” Also, to keep flossing. I started this year!
(writer for Conan, author of Dead People Suck)
My New Year’s resolution is to “fix that one joke.”
(The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, host of Snugglestorm podcast)
My New Year’s resolution is to get off my phone and be in the moment more often. I plan to hold myself accountable by documenting this process with hourly Instagram stories. Sounds like a winning strategy!
(Conan, Last Comic Standing)
My resolution this year is to buy (and wear) a shawl in public. It’s the same resolution I had in 2018, because I never did it. I was too scared last year. Wearing a shawl is a bold statement. It’s like you’re proclaiming, “Hey world! Look at me reinventing myself with this little piece of blanket.” I don’t have that type of confidence. I’m not very voluptuous. Plus, I have short hair, so if I wore a shawl, I’m afraid people would stare at me and worry, “That poor little boy can’t afford a coat.” The goal is to get over that feeling. Maybe 2019 is my year.
(Writer for Wyatt Cenac’s Problem Areas)
I think resolutions are silly. Anyone who waits for January 1 to be a better version of their shitty selves should just quit now. If you’re going to make a resolution, at least do it on your birthday. At least then the gym won’t be so crowded.
(Writer for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee and Adam Ruins Everything)
I want to make fun of New Year’s resolutions because I’m afraid of joy and fear that the moment I allow happiness into my life, I’ll suddenly disappear into a cloud of smoke. But I also love the appeal of a chance to start over and “do it right this time.” Being childless at 34, both of these feelings seem equally wrong, question mark? Anyway, my resolution is to try to do more road work, bring my video game live show to more festivals, and maybe take a voice acting lesson because I’d love to be in a cartoon someday, the only true way one can become immortal. Also, disappear into a cloud of smoke.
(Comedy Central Presents, co-host of The Rad Dudecast)
I’m going to be more realistic this year. My resolutions for 2019 are to gain 5 pounds, spend lots of time on Instagram, and cut my showering to twice a week. I think I can do it.
(Conan, Comedy Central)
My New Year Resolution is to make a better album than my current stand-up comedy album Too Woke (now available on iTunes & Spotify). Oh, you thought I had an actual New Year’s Resolution?! They’re a marketing scam. Just trust the universe and you can make that change whatever you want. Wish you love and strength in 2019!