Aries: I’ve been listening to a lot of 90s semi-underground hip hop lately. Mostly Gang Starr and Mos Def. Not sure what that has to do with Aries, but, this week, I want you to find out. And, eat a lot of cheese before you go to bed each night. It’ll help take the edge off that oily discharge. Oh, and beware of raccoons that look malnourished. They’re often desperate and unnaturally aggressive.
Taurus: Ease up on the hand jobs this weekend. I know, I know- you’re not sleeping with anyone. But, you’ve doled out like, a hundred hand jobs over the past two years. Three years ago at a party, I’m pretty sure you even gave me one. SLOW DOWN. Nobody dreams of marrying a hand job whore. You have cock calluses for Christ’s sake.
Gemini: Stay away from sequins this week, and, every other week from here on out. They’re tacky. Only old women can pull them off, and even then it’s only because most of them are sexually dead. Sequins are what you wear when the most fun you still have in life involves either slot machines, playing cards or hard candy.
Cancer: I’m not going to sugar coat this: You’re going to die this week. Might be for one second, might be for forever, but, your heart will definitely stop beating at some point before next Monday. If your first name starts with a consonant, you’re probably going to die forever, and it’s definitely going to be very drawn out and painful. And I bet you’ll go blind first. And you’ll be tortured. And most likely facially raped by a non-human mammal. Yep. That’s what I’m reading right now. It’s not all bad though. You’re also going to remember how delicious a ripe grape can taste sometime before Friday.
Leo: I want you to go buy two of those honey bears at the grocery store, and empty the entire contents of each one on each one of your nipples. Then, walk into to work topless, and ask, “Hey, are there any hungry bears here?. And just keep repeating that and staring at co-workers until you either find a hungry bear, or, are forcibly removed from the premises. Looking forward to security cam footage on this one.
Virgo: Get really, really good at rollerblading this week. And be sure to constantly talk about how much you’re practicing, and about the cool new wheels you’ve just ordered. I want to make sure you don’t have sex this weekend, and this is the most effective method.
Libra: Create an emergency evacuation plan for your home early this week, with carefully drawn out escape details in case of a fire. Go over it time and time again with everyone living in your house. It’s important, because on Saturday, you’re going to grab your favorite teddy bear, stand on the street in front of your home, stare into the flames with a maniacal grin spread across your crazy devil face, and watch it burn to the ground after torching it for no good reason.
Sagittarius: Oh yeah, that really HAS been Ryan Gosling hiding up in that tree across from your bedroom window. He’s got his dreamy eyes on you, and for good reason. He’s preparing for a role where he’ll be playing someone every woman on earth DOESN’T want to bang, and he needs to see what that looks like. That Oscar’s as good as his.
Capricorn: Get yourself some Bald Eagle eggs this week, and start trying to hatch them. For the next two years, I want you to spend most of your time raising and breeding Bald Eagles, because you’re going to open the nation’s first Fried Freedom Truck. You’re going to make a lot of money selling Patriot Drumsticks and America Wings to drunk college kids after the bars close. You’re welcome.
Aquarius: I don’t like you Aquarius. Sorry, it’s nothing personal, you just don’t have a lot of redeeming qualities. Your teeth are too small. Your head’s too big. You smell like metal. Your toes are the wrong shapes. Your nose is crooked. Your eyes are dull. Your hips are too fat, and your ass is too thin. Your skull is too thick. Your breath smells like cat hair and peanut brittle. Your skin is too dry. Your palms are clammy. And you talk too slow. Good luck this week. Whatever you’re planning on doing, you’ll need it.
Pisces: Perfect. I need you to focus on being perfect this week. Don’t talk too much, but, don’t be too quiet either. Laugh a lot, but, not in a weird, unnatural way. Be nice to everyone, but, not so nice it seems like you’re flirting. Look people in the eye, but don’t wink. Dress sexy, but nothing over the top. Keep your chin up, but don’t let it convince others you’re pretentious. Don’t argue with anyone, but, don’t be a door mat. Impossible. I need you to be impossible this week. And perfect. Oh, and I need you to master levitation by Saturday, 6:30 pm.
You can catch Dan live 12/28-31 at Cracker’s Comedy Club in Indianapolis, IN