• Comedian Dan Cummins to release ‘Hear This’ on Oct. 23: check out two tracks now! (Exclusive)

    One of our favorite comedians, Dan Cummins, is set to release his third album, Hear This, on Oct. 23. Suffice it to say, we’re fucking stoked– and if you’ve heard or seen his past work — Revenge is Near and Crazy with a Capital F — you’re excited as well. And thanks to our friends at Warner Bros, we can offer you a pair of exclusive preview tracks. You can

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but decidedly anti-Rush Limbaugh

    Aries: Time for some financial advice, Aries. Apply for every credit card you can this week, and, as soon as you get ‘em, max ‘em out with no thought of paying them back with fun purchases of stuff like a new iPad, a Mustang convertible, and a cotton candy machine. Then, when you’ve completely destroyed your credit, and have nothing left so spend, declare bankruptcy, eliminate all your debt, and

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but delightfully demented

    Aries: You’re headed to Africa this week! Yay!! Get ready for three large men to put a bag over your head, gag and bind you, throw you in the back of a van, and then stuff you in a thermal sleeping bag to prepare you for a trip across the Atlantic in the bottom of a cargo plane. (If you’re reading this in Africa, you’re star-a-scope is different: you’re gonna

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but with the Baldwin brothers

    Aries: Exciting!! You’re Stephen Baldwin this week – now act like it! Film an amazing movie, then, slowly but surely kill your career by steadily becoming a right wing nut job radio host who ends up suing Kevin Costner over oil-separating technology used in the BP oil spill clean up. Constantly read Bible passages to others to tell them how to run their lives while you make erratic personal decisions

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: like horoscopes, but with facts about the Mayans

    Aries: Careful driving this week Aries, I’m pretty sure someone is going to cut your brake line. Or plant a car bomb under your hood. Or carjack you. Or jump the curb at an intersection and bounce you off the windshield. Or break into your house, drag you from your bed, tie you to the back of their Jeep Wrangler, and drag you back and forth across a set of

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    A special Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: The stars reveal a dark reality for Christie Brinkley

    Aries: Don’t let on, but, right now, Christie Brinkley is hiding in your crawl space. She’s scared. She’s convinced that Billy Joel wants to kill her. Whatever you do, DO NOT play anything off of River of Dreams. She painted that cover, and, in her current mental state, she believes that is exactly what Billy will play while hacking her to pieces. Your lucky financial advice this week is anything

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but with an odd list of ethnic stereotypes

    Aries: Really? “Nobody” can beat you at Monopoly? Bet your life that you’ll win your next game, and place a gun and one bullet next to Free Parking. That’s what I thought. Stop exaggerating this week. Your lucky ethnic stereotype is the large-breasted old Russian peasant woman. Taurus: Go to bed early every night this week, no latter than 9 pm. You’ll feel lame, old and boring. However, you’ll also

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but terrifying

    Aries: Buy a 1983 Robin Egg Blue Chevrolet Citation, drop a V8 Chrysler Hemi 5.7 L under the hood, wear a turtleneck and thick glasses, and get ready to make a small, illegal fortune on the underground street race circuit. No one will see this coming, except, of course, for other Aries, who will also be doing it. Taurus: Head to the batting cages and work on your home run

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with more Burt Reynolds

    Aries: Burt Reynolds will knock on your neighbor’s door sometime this week, and drop off a dozen roses. Why is this important? Those roses were meant for you. That’s right, Burt “Cannonball Run” Reynolds’ 76 year-old heart still has Casanova blood beating through it, and he’s decided you are to be his new beau. Find him. Find Burt, explain to him the mistake he’s made, grab a Diet Dr. Pepper

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes but with demons

    Aries: You can’t break your mom’s back by stepping on a crack, but, this week you learn the hard way that you can break it by focusing so much on avoiding stepping on cracks that you inadvertently bump into her and knock her down a flight of metal stairs. Your unlucky demon is the one that every once in awhile creates that feeling you saw something move behind you in

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but for people who aren’t stupid

    Aries: Jeremy Piven is going to finger blast a member of your inner circle sometime before this weekend. Even worse, he’s not going to ask their permission. He’s going to talk ‘em into skinny dipping in his bad ass infinity pool, do the old, “Hey, what’s that?” followed by pointing over their shoulder, and then, when they turn their head, the blastin’s a gonna begin! Then, he’ll apologize profusely, mumble

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but with the right amount of Gene Hackman

    Aries: Richard Gere is tired of the gerbil references. First off, it’s not true. Second, even if it was true, one crazy, private night with a gerbil isn’t anyone’s business other than Richard’s, the gerbil and whoever helped the gerbil up the illegal, anal gerbil sex tube. Third, no mammal that small should overshadow an acting career that big. He’s Dick Tracy for fuck’s sake. What does this have to

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but more terrifying

    Aries: Alternate every 15 minutes between drinking lots of coffee laced with laxatives, and washing big chunks of cheese down with Pepto Bismol. You need to toughen up, and a week of this daily 9 to 5 regiment should do the trick. Taurus: Don’t wear hats this week. They don’t make your giant head look any smaller or less out of proportion with your skinny neck. The right haircut is

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but unhelpful on purpose

    Aries: I’ve been listening to a lot of 90s semi-underground hip hop lately. Mostly Gang Starr and Mos Def. Not sure what that has to do with Aries, but, this week, I want you to find out. And, eat a lot of cheese before you go to bed each night. It’ll help take the edge off that oily discharge. Oh, and beware of raccoons that look malnourished. They’re often desperate

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    Star-A-Scopes with Dan Cummins: Like horoscopes, but with more insults

    Aries:: A gypsy woman might steal your soul on Wednesday. OR, it’s going to be unusually warm and sunny. Your new word is abhorrent. You are abhorrent to me. Taurus: Love is the most intoxicating drug in the world, especially combined with ecstasy and hallucinogenic mushrooms. Have a great time with your stay-cation! Your new word is banal. Your life is normally very banal. Gemini: Dance this week. As fast

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