• The Gospel of Greg Proops: A selection of truths, as heard on The Smartest Man in the World

    albumIn a world full of windbags, comedian Greg Proops is a deep puff of fresh air. Every week his Vodcast, The Smartest Man in the World takes to the aether to remind us that not all middle-aged white men are gynophobic power whores. Recorded from salubrious international confines, our hero enlightens as he entertains. Perched at a table on stage, his noble Proops plucks Vodka-fueled anecdotes on world history and current events from a stack of stories curated by he and his wife, Jennifer.

    Swirling improvisationally through James Brown squeals and ventriloquistic banter with his cardboard sidekick, Kittens McTavish, Proops offers insight into the mind of a man unencumbered by fear of women, homosexuals, and science. He is a champion of feminism. Though it would be a disservice of his intellect (and that of his clever followers) to rank his influence in merely one category of popular culture. Indeed, Mr. Proops has given us a treasure trove of sage advice on a myriad of issues crowding our collective consciousness today.

    The following quotes have been transcribed from episodes of The Smartest Man in the World podcast, each linked accordingly for your listening convenience. Now is an awesome time to light one up, pour yourself a vodka-flavored vodka drink, and learn and thing or two from The Gospel of Proops.

    On Crises:

    “Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Winters)

    On Marriage:

    “Patience and patience and patience. You have to listen to one another. It is very difficult. I am terrible at listening because I am extraordinarily shallow and self-interested. It’s difficult for me even though my worldview is unbelievably magnanimous and I stand alone among most podcasters as the most bitchin’– my humility is grand. Men have an ego and you’re going to have to deal with that, really, forever. I don’t know how else to get around that. Don’t go to bed angry. At the end of the night while you’re brushing your teeth say ‘you’ve been a cocksucker and selfish beyond measure — now get in there and grab it.’ I think, is the only way to survive.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Hills)

    On Pussy Riot:

    vladimir_putin_01-550x363Vladimir Putin was “elected” and because they are a “democracy” and they so love “freedom.” These little girls — and they are just girls — sang a song about him and now they are in the dock, on trial, waiting to see three years in the fucking joint in Moscow. They are named, awesomely, Pussy Riot.

    They have been charged with hooliganism motivated by religious hatred after performing a punk prayer against President Vladimir Putin at a Moscow Cathedral. If there is one thing I detest in women it is hooliganism. First of all, it’s so unladylike. This is what I can’t get over: they’ve been on the dock for a week — and when I mean “on the dock” they are in a glass cage. In a courtroom. In Moscow. Three girls sitting in a glass cage in Moscow. This is Russia. But, this is also America in five years if we don’t fucking pull it together, you guys.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Riots)

    On Corporate Media:

    “I’ve got news for fuckin’ everybody: all the media outlets lie to us all the fucking time about everything as much as they possibly can — even if they have the truth in their possession, they wouldn’t tell it to you. They don’t think it would sell hard as the shit they’re going to think of that’s lies that would make the truth more palatable and make you buy it more.

    Secondly, there are no media outlets. CNN, ABC, Fox News, and CBS is one giant corporation with interlocking boards of directors who are all icky white men who rape their maids, okay? Understand that. When you are looking for different viewpoints, don’t turn on the TV. It is powered by a corporation. And yes, I mean to a certain extent Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart as well. They work for giant corporations. When shit gets tough, they will toe the line because they have to.

    Always be on the lookout for points of view. Look for telltale salient things, particularly on television when one of these horrible crisis hits the fan. First of all, if they show you the same piece of footage 73,000 times in a row they have nothing new to add. If a man comes on (and they are 85-90% men) who are “experts” on “terror” — whatever they are saying they are making up because they don’t know fuck about shit about fuck about all about shit about fuck about all.

    The media has to calm down and understand two things: we trust them slightly less than we do congress; and we understand now, because we are all sophisticated media consumers that everything is built to swoop down from the ceiling and into your pocket and suck the revenue flow out of your ass to leave you a husk on the sidewalk. There is no other reason for the media to exist.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Winters)

    Piers-Morgan_620_1652110a“CNN has Piers Morgan on it, for which I can never forgive them. I try not to watch him at all, if I can. Other than Simon Cowell and syphilis, I think they are the worst three things that England ever brought over. Like tits on a sow, that Piers Morgan; not much use for him. Why, Greg? Why? He seems rather intelligent and well-spoken, he’s English, and gosh sometimes he’s witty. My line of delineation is how much corporate ass will you chew on the air? Some people will chew some and some people will chew an infinite amount. CNN to me, with Wolf Blitzer and (Morgan) seems like anything the corporation tells them to say, they will say. That’s not journalism in any way.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Fingers)

    On American Foreign Policy:

    “Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize for no reason I can think of whatsoever. Barack Obama came into office with two wars going — Afghanistan and Iraq — then in the middle of the first term decided we should beat Libya’s ass. We beat their ass in a war and then we let Muammar Gaddafi be killed in the most egregious, disgusting, horrible way — and then Obama received a Nobel Peace Prize.

    NobelI guess the Nobel committee was anticipating that he was going to promote peace at some point in the world. Now in the last few weeks when we see the spying (which is global spying), the trying to bring Edward Snowden to justice, the trial of Bradley Manning, the persecution of Julian Assange, the predator droning that continues and carries on all the time, the Guantanamo Bay GITMO torture prison that we keep open in spite of the fact there are people on a hunger strike there, the fact that Iraq is a complete mess, there is mad violence in Afghanistan, we won’t intervene in Syria because we cannot — and we’re letting everything go on in Turkey, Brazil, and every country of the world.

    We sanction every manner of heinous violence both covert and overt, state-funded and not above line. (Obama) received a Nobel Prize in anticipation of the day when he would give everyone a basket of daisies and receive the kisses from a child and we would all sail on a river made of blueberry jam down to a butterscotch palace where everyone will receive the oral sex they enjoy the most.”

    — (Listen to full Proopcast, Screams)

    The Smartest Man in the World is on a perpetual march around the globe. For tour dates, podcasts, and power sheaths visit GregProops.com

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    Crisman Richards

    Crisman Richards is a Bay Area writer, comedian, and the Executive Producer of The Crisman Show. For more essays, podcasts, and unbridled nerdery visit crismanshow.com and follow her on Twitter at @CrismanRichards.

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