You, guys. We just got what will likely be the most important piece of information this Election Day season. Check out The Onion‘s announcement below:
As the nation casts its votes tomorrow on a historic Election Day, billions of Americans will turn to The Onion, their only journalistic refuge in a world teeming with chaos and lies, for the most comprehensive and brutally hard-hitting coverage of the day’s biggest developments.
Throughout November 8, America’s Finest News Source will feature extensive, up-to-the-second election reportage on its website, as well as on Facebook and Twitter, from its army of 335,000 world-class journalists—including hundreds of correspondents embedded inside ballot boxes nationwide.
As the gold standard in American journalism and the only authority humanity can trust, The Onion will offer its indisputably faultless coverage from the moment polls open, to the moment the candidates deliver their speeches, to the moment the nation dissolves into ash. Visitors to The Onion will cower in wonder and admiration at a live-updating on-site hub, which will compile dozens of timely articles, features, and videos as the day progresses. Additionally, The Onion will be collecting blog updates from our top data analysts, from on-the-scenes investigators monitoring precincts across the country, and from correspondents stationed in the candidates’ headquarters.
Election Day will also mark the debut of The Onion on Facebook Live. Furthering its commitment to providing searingly accurate coverage of breaking news events, The Onion will get closer to the action than any other news organization would ever dare by placing a camera inside a voting booth and revealing democracy at work. This groundbreaking live footage will be available Tuesday afternoon on The Onion‘s Facebook page, and is certain to win multiple Pulitzers, a Peabody, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
In a statement issued Monday, the Onion’s publisher emeritus, T. Herman Zweibel, said, “As the single most influential media organization ever to grace this miserable planet, The Onion is committed to providing the pustulous American masses, the candidates themselves, and our business associates in Russia’s Council Of Ministers with the most truthful, most essential election reportage ever conceived. Feast on our plentiful carcass of election coverage, you mucus-slickened grubs.”